Have you ever gotten caught a shame spiral? You know, that feeling of descending into the rabbit hole of shame? The moment when you just want to crawl into a hole and never be seen by the world again? Shame is among ickiest of human emotions – it’s like a mold that grows inside of you, breeding and multiplying faster than you can imagine. It can start off as a passing thought or a flicker of doubt and quickly leave you crushed in its wake.
Both small things and big things can trigger small feelings and big feelings of shame. It can be as small as giving the wrong answer in a work meeting or a class. Or it can be as big as feeling like you failed at a major project or challenge. Maybe you took a risk and made yourself vulnerable, and it didn’t turn out the way you hoped.
Shame, while it may be ugly, is also human. And there are actually things you can do to stop the spiral before it starts, or keep your spiral from getting too far out of control.
Turn on your shame alarm. Recognizing what shame feels like and how it manifests itself is an important first step. Maybe it feels like a flush in your chest, or it triggers a familiar wave of self-doubt. Shame might make you blush or want to slap yourself on the forehead. You might find yourself defensive like a cornered animal. You might be overwhelmed by feelings of self-hatred or even self-harm.
Whatever it is, learn to recognize it and label it what it is: shame. That way, you can have a shame plan, just like you would have for any other emergency, like a fire or evacuation.
STOP, and back away from the shame. The earlier you recognize shame, the better chance you have to prevent yourself from going down the rabbit hole. Going down the rabbit hole is so tempting, and it’s exactly what the shame monster wants you to do. The shame monster wants nothing more than to force you deep its ugly icky-ness until you can no longer see the light of your self. So at the first sign of shame, stop, and back away from further shame triggers. For example, let’s say you are ashamed that you didn’t get into your first choice graduate school. That moment is probably not the best time to surf Facebook and see all of the self-congratulatory messages of people who are off to the school of their dreams. Or if you are feeling ashamed about your weight, it’s probably not the best time to get on the scale or lose yourself in magazines or websites that worship the thin, instead of the perfectly imperfect. Just stop. Back up. And activate your shame plan.
Shine some light on that ugly shame monster. Shame breeds on silence, so the best way to break the shame spiral is to name the shame. You can shame doesn’t want you to do it because of the way your stomach drops at the mere thought of sharing it with someone else. Shame tells you that the ugliness inside you is real. Your friends and family know that you are just a loving, caring human who maybe made a mistake or didn’t live up to perfect.
Talk over the shame. Shame has a voice. My shame’s voice likes to say things like, “I knew it – you are just a fraud. You don’t deserve to be here. Nobody likes you – they are just pretending.” Other shame voices might harp on how lazy or slow or stupid you are. When the shame voice gets going, it can seem awfully loud. Especially if there aren’t any other voices providing a counter point. In moments of self-confidence, listen to what you believe about yourself – maybe even write it down. When the shame arises, get that voice talking again – the one who knows you mean well, do well, and live well.
This too shall pass. If all else fails, immerse yourself in something positive until the feeling of shame subsides. That’s the amazing thing about feelings – they are never permanent. Think about it as flooding your psyche with something good – a flush of shame reducer. For me, it’s exercise. For you, maybe it’s music or meditation. Or even a good movie or TV show. You can take a break from shame, and maybe it will get tired of bothering you.
Obviously, if shame is making you feel like harming yourself physically or you can’t seem to shake it, please seek professional help. It can take time, support, and therapy to break the shame monsters for good. But the next time you feel the shame spiral coming on, remember that you are not alone and there are some tools you can use to fight it off!
What are your shame monsters? How do you ward them off?
Here’s howI imagine my shame monster:
I like what you said about shame monsters. I take heart in your advice that “this too shall pass”. It is almost as though shame were some kind of temporary madness that comes over us from time to time.
But I have a slightly different view of shame. I believe that shame/self rejection is an attitude. I also believe that we choose our attitudes whether we like to admit it or not. My question is why would someone choose to feel shame? Is it a form of self pity? Or is it inherent to our existence to feel disappointed in ourselves and in our unavoidable limitations as humans from time to time and be acutely/intimately aware of how we are letting ourselves/others down and so feel it necessary to indulge in shame? Shame seems to me to be some kind of self indulgence. But why do we indulge in something so painful? Do we do it in order to give ourselves permission to do things we know we shouldn’t do like eat that extra piece of cake, or have an affair, or get drunk, or do drugs? Do we subconsciously use the pain of shame as permission to counter that pain with an otherwise forbidden self indulgence? I find shame to be endlessly fascinating and yet also endlessly destructive.
Generally I believe that shame is the dance of the devil and is the true root of all evil. I am not a religious person, but the metaphors of religion are very useful here, because God, especially Jesus, is portrayed as the opposite of shame. They are always forgiving and accepting. In fact the name Jesus is synonymous with forgiveness.
Is the existence of shame the difference between The Garden of Eden and wherever it is that we are now? Because the first reaction Adam and Eve had to eating the apple was to feel shame and to cover their private parts with a fig leaf. Is shame the real reason for being kicked out of the garden? Does that mean that if a person can find a way to live life without shame that he or she can come as close to being back in the Garden of Eden as is humanly possible. Is the Garden of Eden a state of mind and not a place?
Please forgive me. Like I said. I find the topic of shame/self rejection fascinating.
Here’s a thought. I was just looking at your portrait of your shame monster and I couldn’t help but see the fear in its eyes. Maybe we are terrified of our limitations and fear the worst, and shame is a manifestation of that awareness of our inability to control our environment at all times. Maybe shame has so much energy because it is fear based; fear of our very mortality and the vulnerability that we all try to hide from and that we always try to hide from others.
If “this too shall pass” then isn’t the cure to shame faith? Faith is hope. That means that shame is a form of hopelessness.
Why do we indulge in shame? I feel like I am circling the answer but it is still shrouded in mystery. I know everyone is prone to shame but why does it have to become a spiral? Why are we periodically self destructive even when we know that our actions are only making things worse. It is illogical. I believe that there is something profound hidden in the answers to these questions.
Thank you for your info and for the opportunity to “think out loud”.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic. I don’t think we get to choose the feelings that wash over us. But we don’t have to beat ourselves up for having feelings. After all, we are human.
Responding to bnelson, Most of the shame you describe dose not apply to what is happening to me.
Responding to Sarah: I am very touched by most of the suggestions and ideas of the initial writing. I have some of the shame that is dealt with in the article but the shame that really lays-me-low is the shame I have over the things that actually work out as I had hoped and appear to have no backlash. It is those things where I speak out in a socially respectful manner, asking for what I need and their response shows that I was heard and the action taken to limit the noise is helpful. It is then that I feel the crushing shame. For instance, My asking that my neighbor’s workmen let me know when they will be in the adjoining condo using their jackhammer on her kitchen & dining room tiles. If they can let me know in advance, I can plan ahead to leave when my condo walls and floors start to shake.
It seems very odd that I would have such shame and, perhaps, guilt, over something that I believe is an acceptable request and a positive response. It would seem that it was an acceptable response when there is a low level of hammering and other construction noises, but the next day when there is a very reduced level of construction noise, I go into a huge shame spiral that stops my entire next day for me. I have used distraction all my life and it has ony been a bandaid and has done nothing to improve my experience the next time. I plan to try your few suggestions of “shining a light”,”talk” and giving it a name.
I also like the picture I can assign to it and the phrase that it makes you believe that “the ugly inside you is real” seems helpful, too. I have no idea as to how to deal with part where the outcome is actually good and what I wished for.” Any ideas?
Interesting take- i like the rabbit hole analogy as in the cycle it will take you there- my issue is recognizing and employing tools to prevent that spiral>
Point to previous posters- NO choice in the feelings sorry- neurologically wired and now know that infants can experience whereas previous was toddlers where begun.
What also amazes me is how the shame may be intensified depending on context, work other aspects can employ great tools but intimate relationships are a whole other kettle of fish.
what i have also found today via other sites is the varying experience of shame where i had not perceived it in such a way….thanks for contributing to demystify….what do you think of Brené Brown’s work on Shame and shame resilience?
Thanks, Nat! I am a huge fan of Brene Brown. I like the way she talls about connection as shame’s enemy. Shame keeps us so isolated from each other in unnecessary ways.